No real idea where I'm going with this.

Isn't it incredible that the day I return a bit discouraged from a visit to GIAL (grad institute of applied linguistics) which ended with some surprises/confusion, is the same day Oswald Chambers writes "What is a Missionary?" in My Utmost for His Highest ?

John 20:11 Jesus said to them again, "...As the Father has sent Me, I also send you."

Chambers writes:
A missionary is someone sent by Jesus Christ just as He was sent by God. The great controlling factor is not the needs of people, but the command of Jesus...."Go therefore and make disciples of all the nations" (Matt. 28:19)

Christ commanded and also called me personally. Do I not trust that God will bring me everything I need to do what He has planned?

It's been over a year since I posted anything here and over a year since I returned home from my internship at Wycliffe USA hq. Since then I've crawled through my senior year of college, but I did successfully graduate. I didn't deal with the load well, but felt a great sense of pride in finishing that degree. However in this year, I haven't prepared myself well to make steps to go out on the mission field. I'd love to say that I've been saving money, researching countries I might serve in, faithfully following the Lord, and moving forward or waiting on God to move the obstacles, but I don't believe that's the case. I think that I've dropped the ball, definitely been distracted.
I'm feeling a lot of things right now, and few of them positive. Worried, scared, confused, hypocritical, ashamed even. I know I've been in (and out of) this place before; I'm struggling to believe and hold onto the truths I know. I don't know what to do next and I'm afraid of making the wrong choices.
I want to be open about what's really going on. If it's REALLY true that His power is made perfect in our weakness and His grace is enough, then He will be honored and I'll see good come about because of this vulnerability. That's what I pray.

And here's the most interesting thing Oswald says on Oct 26's passage about missionaries:
When looking back on the lives of men and women of God, the tendency is to say, "What wonderfully keen and intelligent wisdom they had, and how perfectly they understood all that God wanted!" But the keen and intelligent mind behind them was the mind of God, not human wisdom at all. We give credit to human wisdom when we should give credit to the divine guidance of God being exhibited through childlike people who were "foolish" enough to trust God's wisdom and His supernatural equipment.

Please join me in praying that God will renew my heart & give me childlike faith. I want to trust fully in His wisdom and His ability to make me as ready as I need to be for what's next. Deeper waters, I need a deeper faith.